The "Other" New Year's Resolution
This new year, we’ve been hearing a lot about goals that people want to set for themselves. Professional and personal commitments alike fascinate us. We want to know what they are, how they make us feel, and if they validate the assumptions we have made about them. We see colleagues or friends post a photo of their new resolutions on Facebook, or we see an uptick in posts on LinkedIn discussing their resolutions; this is our cue to look into someone else’s agenda for the coming year.
There are also times when it can seem difficult to talk about another person’s goals without feeling as if you have walked over your boundaries and invaded someone else’s privacy. I understand this, as I sometimes get really nervous about discussing our goals with others, even though we all know that none of us has any secrets. But the truth is that living without boundaries is a draining experience. It can feel as if someone else has taken ownership of you, that you have been hijacked from your goals and dreams and put to work for all the wrong reasons.
But before we can talk about something new in our lives, there must be an end in sight for something old. Before every New Year, there is always another goal that needs to be fulfilled or resolved; it’s just a matter of which one will be addressed first. And that is actually fine. But the difference with the new year is that a new resolution will be chosen.
For some, it might be a resolution to lose weight. Or perhaps there will be someone who commits to exercise more often. For others, it can be a vow to spend more time with family or pursue more personal interests. All of these are perfectly reasonable resolutions, although they do not necessarily reflect what I’m going to talk about here.
The "other" new year's resolution is one that we have made on behalf of others. And it is one that we must fulfill for them because they are either unable or unwilling to do it for themselves. That's what we call the New Year's resolution for the "other."
You have probably never heard of it, but it is afoot in America: the new year's resolution for our family members who are ill. It is most often spoken by those tasked with taking care of the ill relative and their loved ones: a doctor, nurse, or social worker. But sometimes it is spoken by a friend or relative of the person who is ill. One day, you will hear someone say to someone else, "What can I do to make things easier for you?" And then they will tell you what they plan to do on behalf of that person in order to make their life easier.
I understand why this is a revolutionary concept to many. After all, the holiday season is one that is often associated with dying or death. It is a time when people are more aware of their mortality than usual and take stock of what still needs to be done in this life and what perhaps has already been put off for too long.
But it is also true that most of us do not want to be reminded about death and dying during the holidays, because for some reason we have decided it's not an appropriate time to talk about these things. Yet it seems unfair somehow if the rest of our lives need to be put on hold because we don't want to talk about death during the only time we do talk about it. After all, people still die outside of this time of year as well. So is it that we don't want to talk about death in front of other people?
No, I think the real reason has nothing to do with what we want to do during our holidays and everything to do with what we are supposed to be doing. What is it that we are supposed to be doing whenever there is an event that reminds us of our mortality? Most often, it is something called anticipatory grief. The "other" new year's resolution falls into this category because when we make these resolutions on behalf of someone else, we are practicing an anticipatory form of grief. We might even call it anticipatory grieving.
This seems like an important thing to be doing, doesn't it? I once read somewhere that we should not fear death; instead, we should fear a life that has been unlived. To live a full life is to be aware of one's own mortality. But if death is something that we know will happen someday, what is it exactly that people are so afraid of? What are they so anxious about? I think people need to be reminded that the only things they will take with them when they die are the experiences they were able to have during their lives.
And above all, what is it we are anxious about when we make these resolutions? What do they have to do with the reality of impending death? There is fear that the person we are making these resolutions for won't get better. I think this is where our fears come from, because mortality is not a certainty. While it's true that death does happen to people as a result of illness and disease, mortality is not something that can be prevented by actions or decisions made in our lives. So what effects can these "other" new year's resolutions ultimately have on our loved ones' prospects for recovery?
Helping someone to live longer than expected is an admirable goal and one worthy of celebration within this time of year. But there is also the possibility that we will not get to see this happen because it is not something over which we have any control. Instead, we may get to enjoy the memory of longer days spent with our loved ones, of time spent in loving their company and participating in their lives with no sign of illness or disease.
If you consider this a worthy goal, then perhaps you will also see the benefit of making these resolutions, too. After all, if we can make it easier for people who are ill to live their lives to the fullest, then why wouldn't we want to? Perhaps we have mistakenly been waiting for other people in our lives to do something special for us over the holidays. And there is nothing wrong with that because everyone has goals and dreams that need to be fulfilled.
But perhaps we should open our hearts and minds just a little bit more and try something new. We might all want to commit to doing one good thing for someone else -- whether or not they are sick -- every day in 2015.
Conclusion:
The bottom line is this: There are people in our lives who are ill. And if you have a sick family member, then it is likely that someone else in your life, perhaps one of your closest family members or friends, is making a new year's resolution on your behalf to make things easier for you.
You can better assist yourself by asking them what they plan to do and telling them that there is nothing that would please you more than for them to take good care of your needs. You will be surprised when they tell you what it is they plan to do on your behalf and how good it will make you feel when they tell you about it.