Wisdom and Authentic Relationships
If you've ever had an intimate or personal relationship with someone and found yourself questioning their authenticity as a person, then this article is for you. We will teach you how to decipher someone's true intentions by examining the layers of truth that come with their behavior. Asking the right questions can help reveal who they really are and what they're after, which in turn helps to minimize the risk of your relationship turning sour.
"When someone tries to make a connection without being authentic, it's like kissing a frog. You're not going to see anything else beautiful until you stop kissing it. When you start kissing the frog, you have a relationship with it. It becomes your perspective on what's beautiful." –Rabbi David Wolpe
Why do people feel the need to lie or misrepresent themselves?
Most of us, at some point, have had to disguise certain facets of our personalities in order to get along with certain people and cultures. We've all resorted to lying about our qualifications in order to get that job. Some of us have even lied about having a drinking problem and used it as an excuse for erratic behavior we may have been displaying at the time. However, when we lie about things like this we are creating a façade that only exists because we want it to exist. This façade may suit our needs at the time, but it's a façade nonetheless. There is no authenticity in it, and in order to maintain this façade we have to continue with the lies.
"One of the main reasons people lie is because they feel they can't be authentic." –Rabbi David Wolpe
The problem with lying is that once you start doing it, it's harder to stop. If you get away with lying about one thing, then you're more likely to lie about something else because your ego is telling you that there wasn't a consequence for your actions. It's scary having someone see through your work and ask hard questions about the details of your life. It's even scarier when you find out they have a better understanding of you than you did. If that happens, what was your motivation for creating this façade?
To truly maintain authenticity we have to be more honest about our intentions and what we're really after. Once we are honest with ourselves, then there is no reason to create false stories or misrepresentations. When we are more honest with our intentions, then we know it is easy to trust the other person without resorting to lies or deception. This opens up a positive space where authentic connection can happen between two people.
"When you are authentically connected… you don't have to hold your breath or try to hide what you're feeling, because it's not being shared with a stranger. It's being shared with someone who is sharing the same emotions with you, and they're showing them to you. You can trust that they'll never take your feelings for granted, and that will help you feel safe enough to be completely open." –Rabbi David Wolpe
How to distinguish when authenticity is actually involved
The following tips can help us determine if authenticity is at play in a situation:
–When someone lies about minor things, they may feel compelled to keep lying. If someone is lying about the details of their lives, then they may lie about more serious things.
–What they say and what they do don't match up. In other words, if someone's saying one thing but doing something else then there is a disconnect between what they're saying and what their actions say. If you see this happening it may mean that their intentions are not completely honest.
–Watch for excuses to contradict themselves or rationalize their behavior. This can be an indication that the person isn't being totally receptive to feedback from others. When we challenge this person on it, we'll most likely get a defensive response or some kind of excuse as to why they did certain things.
–They don't want to take responsibility for their actions. If someone is continually blaming others or making excuses for why they did something wrong, then they are withholding their level of responsibility in the situation. This could lead them to continue making the same mistake over and over again without stopping to consider their actions.
–They may ask you too many probing questions. This can be a tell tale sign that they are digging deeper into your life and trying to find out more about you than they're letting on. It could also be energy that is better put into getting to know you instead of finding out about your past relationships and private details.
"Authentic people don't try to change who you are when they're with you. Authentic people want to be in your life, not just your life. They want to know you, not all of you, but enough that they know what makes you tick." –Rabbi Joel Berelowitz
How we can discern the authenticity in another's behavior
When we start considering the question of authenticity of a person in our lives, we have no choice but to examine ourselves as well. We may not always be the best at judging whether we're being authentic or not, but it's important to start paying attention to our behavior and the level of connection we have with another person.
If you will give yourself some time to heal and reflect, you may find that there are many details of your life that I'd like to ask you about. However, I'd rather know what is true about you and what is true about me. The same thing goes for another person as well. If they tell me things about their past without confronting their present, then it's hard for them to change their habits in order to be more honest with me.
"I think reaching out and having a relationship with another person –authentic connection, real friendship– is the ultimate act of humanity." –Rabbi David Wolpe
So many people think that they have to lie or disguise the truth in order to be liked or have people want to get to know them. If this is your reality, then you're living under the illusion that you can't be authentic with people without them rejecting you. Many of us do this because if we receive too much feedback about how we're acting or what we're doing then it may lead us back to some hard questions about our behavior.
Of course, we don't want to be completely transparent with people. A healthy amount of self-respect should let us keep a certain amount of privacy in our lives. We can still have positive relationships with others while we remain authentic about our behavior. This allows us to have unity with others but still maintain our identity and truthfulness in a way that is respectful for ourselves and the people around us.
"Authenticity is not just telling the truth, it's about being comfortable with yourself and who you are." –Rabbi David Wolpe
Bonus: 7 Ways to Be More Authentic: Rabbi Wolpe shares 7 tips for connecting more authentically with other people.
Conclusion
If you are living a life where you feel like you're faking your intentions, then we want to know that. Although it can be difficult to face the truth about yourself, it's important that you try and acknowledge what is really going on in your life. If you can do this, then you'll start to see the world through more honest eyes. Let go of the deceptive façade and embrace authenticity instead.
"What does it mean to be authentic? It means not fooling anyone. It means being very, very honest with yourself about what's important to you… It's a life lived with honesty as a way of connecting to something larger than ourselves.