"Please help me bring back the love of my life." Part one of a two-part series.
This is a two-part blog post series about a 55 year old woman, "Mary", who deeply regrets dumping her long-term boyfriend because he wasn't financially successful. She's regretting it so much that she asked for my advice on how to win him back.
In this first part of the series, we'll cover the basic information necessary to understand the situation and why Mary may have regretted her decision. In part two of this series, I'll offer some advice on what she should do next.
As you know men like to feel needed and appreciated--and they especially enjoy feeling like they contributed in helping their partner succeed in life financially or otherwise.
Mary is experiencing the daddy-issues both sexes face often when they are young. She probably has a vivid memory of her father and his successes and failures with women in her youth. She probably remembers how much she wanted a dad when she was young--how exciting it was to hear about his accomplishments, and how disappointed and upset she became when he failed at what he had worked so hard for.
As a child, she probably felt responsible for being the one who was lacking in the relationship. She may have felt responsible for his failures long after they were over. She may have felt a lot of guilt and pressure to be the perfect daughter, wife or mother so that her father would feel good and get whatever it was he desperately needed. Her childhood memories will lead her to believe that she's somehow chosen to be poor and without success in life when all she really wants is to feel like she's had some success with men who can properly appreciate her for who she is.
So what should she do?
Mary should first keep in mind that it's very important for her to experience a high level of success with men. She already has plenty of problems to work with, so she doesn't need to add another one. I would do best if she did not get involved with another man until she's had several successful relationships--and some additional experience with divorced men as well. This will allow her to gain some perspective on men and what they are really saying and feeling when they go through divorce or break-ups because they have all moved on.
Mary has only been with one man in her life. She's only had one father. And she's never divorced, so in order for her to have a healthy relationship with the opposite sex, she needs to have at least 5-10 relationships and at least 2 divorces.
I've known Mary for over 25 years, and I can tell you that not very many men would be kind or patient enough to handle such a difficult situation. These kinds of situations are often linked to having an abusive parent who neglected or hurt the other parent when they were young, male or female alike.
Mary may have succeeded in business but she hasn't had any kind of significant success with men. She has a ton of potential and has worked hard, but she hasn't found anyone who appreciates her for who she is. And as we all know, "no matter how beautiful the flowers are, if there is no sun they will wither." She needs to accept the fact that there will be many people who won't appreciate her because they simply don't have the capacity to see how special and unique she really is.
She may come to believe that all men are like her father and will be too hard to deal with--which is why she's decided to give up on having a stable relationship with a man. If a woman decides to give up on men for life, she will probably never be able to find one who will take care of her when she gets older. And as we all know, all women want unconditional love from their men.
There's another important reason why Mary needs to decide if this relationship is going to work--and that has to do with her pride and reputation. She needs something real in her life. She needs some kind of success story--a man who loves her and appreciates her for who she is. She needs to have a successful relationship to help validate her self-worth.
I think Mary will find a man before too long if she doesn't give up on love because it will be one of the most important achievements in her life. And I think that when she meets him, he may look like the twin brother of her father. He'll probably know how to appreciate her, which is something that has been missing all these years with the other men in her life who were unable to give that gift to their women.
Mary also needs to remember that she has a lot to offer as a woman and she shouldn't settle for anything less than the best. She has come a long way in life and all she wants is to experience success with a man who can appreciate her. She has the potential, drive, imagination and work ethic to create success--and success is exactly what she's looking for.
She should try getting into business with another woman as well. I know this because I understand how men feel when they're around two successful women especially if one of them is older than him...and I know this situation very well as my wife can attest to (watch part two of this blog post series for more on that subject).
There are a lot of men who really want to be with successful women, and Mary is one of them.
About the Author: Mike Domitrz is a counselor and coach specializing in relationships, dating and personal development. He is the author of The Nine Principles for Making Marriage Work (Adams Media 2008) and The Healthy Mind Toolkit. His latest book, 30 Days to Taming Your Monkey Mind...and Loving Yourself came out on December 4th 2010. Check out his web site at www.mikedomitrz.com and connect with him on Facebook.
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Conclusion: In order for a woman to have a successful relationship in her life, she needs to learn how to navigate through the men she chooses as partners. Men who love women will always try to get close to them, but they will never force themselves onto them or try anything that could harm their health or mental well-being. As a result, women should be careful of what's happening in their dating lives and make sure they're not getting into relationships with men who will hurt them.
She has good instincts and knows when someone is really good for her and when he isn't.