So, I'm a Control Freak
Do you ever feel like you're going to lose it? That your nerve endings are exposed and vulnerable and you're just waiting for the first move from someone who will poke or push or invade your boundaries? You feel forever on edge, and the smallest thing will set off an explosion. Just yesterday, I had an encounter that made me realize how I think of myself in relation to others.
I was in line at a coffee shop, struggling with my wallet and keys when a gentleman behind me tapped my shoulder. He asked if he could borrow my phone charger for his own phone so he could text his girlfriend... Nope, nope, nope! (It seemed like such a small request until it happened. And now I'm writing an essay on the encounter. Go figure.)
My reaction to this request was swift and immediate. It manifested itself in a number of different ways: I shook my head, narrowed my eyes, inched away from him... basically behaved in a way that seemed very hostile and profoundly different from various people who had asked for my phone charger before. I was obviously frustrated and dismayed by his request, but also deep inside I felt exposed and vulnerable because the request had been made in front of so many people—and because he had asked me when so many others had asked me before. I had felt okay saying yes before, because I wasn't in a space where I had to account for my actions or how I was perceived.
But this man's request left me feeling like he was testing me, seeing how long it would take for me to give up (I wouldn't), and finding out if I would treat him differently from the people who had asked in the past or whether my reaction would be the same. It made me feel as though he understood that I was at a disadvantage either way, but that it wouldn't really matter anyway because what he wanted was so small and inconsequential. I felt as though I had to be in a state of fight or flight.
And then, out of nowhere, I just blurted out, "I'm a control freak," because it was true. I am a control freak. And that's not exactly something you can change overnight—even if you wanted to.
Control Freaks Aren't Always the Bad Guys and Gals
Now let me tell you why this encounter bothered me so much and why I internalized it for so long: Because both my parents are control freaks, I tend to believe that their behavior is what's normal. I think this encounter played into that, and that the only reason I reacted so strongly was because I'm so like them.
Let me just explain what a control freak actually is (I had to do some research on this myself when I started getting into all of this... it wasn't easy finding out about myself). It's not just about being a neat freak or someone who likes to have things organized in an orderly fashion. Although those things are certainly related to a certain degree. A true control freak, in the psychological sense of the word, is someone who tolerates little or no deviation from his/her plan or ideas. These people are rigid. They believe they're the know-it-alls who know what's best for everyone, and because of that, they constantly manipulate others to get their way or try to prevent them from making mistakes or moving out of their way.
Now, I'm not saying that this describes me. But when I look at how I reacted in this situation, I see it as a reflection of some of the things I've internalized from my parents' behavior since childhood. (In case you're wondering, yes—I am in therapy.) Wanting everything to be controlled and perfect is a great dream but also a huge fallacy because nothing's ever perfect and no one can control everything. And this is where I think my anxiety comes in.
So, I'm a Control Freak With Anxiety?
I know that the things that may seem like flaws to others may simply be the byproducts of having a disorder like anxiety. Because I never learned coping mechanisms, because my parents never acknowledged that they had issues and because they didn't teach me how to deal with them myself, all of those archetypal control freak behaviors stuck with me and manifested themselves in different ways. For example, I don't think I've ever thrown a temper tantrum. They insisted that all children could control their emotions and get what they wanted through "good" behavior. So, I developed the belief that if I wanted something in life, I had to go out and get it on my own—and that any deviation from that plan was seen as immoral or unacceptable.
I'm still trying to figure this out for myself (and let me tell you—it's very challenging to break old habits and learn how to be flexible when you've spent your whole life being rigid). But I'm learning: Things that seem like traits of a control freak may be just the ways (or the effects) of having anxiety, because anxiety is like a wild dog. When you're anxious, you're lost and confused and afraid all the time. And when you're lost and confused and afraid all the time and have never learned how to act or cope in any other way, it can appear as though you don't like people's opinions or don't trust them, no matter how many times they've repeated something that's already proven to be true.
And yes, this was most definitely one of my coping mechanisms—my anxiety trying to make sure that other people didn't get too close or too comfortable around me. I was acting like a jerk because I was feeling like an idiot.
It's not that there's anything wrong with being a control freak in any way. It's fine to want things your way, as long as you're still able to accept other people and their opinions without getting all stressed or defensive when they don't agree with you. In fact, it would definitely be preferable to have the power to control everything… but that doesn't mean that we can or should do that. And I'm realizing that if I want any kind of real power in my life, I'll have to learn how to cope and cope well—even if it's going to take me longer than expected and even if on some level, it feels unnatural.
Conclusion
I don't know if I'm any closer to a resolution or whether I've even resolved anything. I just know that as much as my parents' behavior had hurt me, I've internalized it, and it's hurt me for years in ways that affect the way I deal with the people around me. If you can relate to this story or if it made you think about something similar from your own life, please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or on social media using the hashtag #TheAnxiousLife.