Learning to set and enforce personal boundaries
It can be difficult to set personal boundaries. It is important for us to listen to our intuition and know when and how we are being mistreated or oppressed. If we do not set boundaries ourselves, it is easy for others to keep pushing us around without even knowing they are doing so. Without boundaries, our time, energy and feelings become wasted as they continue on with their ways even after we have insisted that things will always be okay because "we will get through this together."
Many people find it helpful to start setting boundaries by acknowledging your limit, asking for more respect than you feel you deserve at that moment in time or describing the boundary behavior that won't be tolerated. For example, you may comment again on the fact that your friend spent five hours at the bar last night, saying "this is a problem because I was expecting you to help me move last night. Instead, you didn't show up until one in the morning." This will hopefully create an environment where there are consequences for bad behavior and respect for good behavior.
When it comes to personal boundaries, we need to stop focusing on what others are doing that might be bad and instead focus on protecting our own personal energy reserves. When we do this, it is easier for us to see what is important and worth fighting for.
Good boundaries are important because they help us set ourselves free and enable us to do what we want and be more fully in our power. It is all too easy for others to take advantage of us if we let them.
It is important that we make sure that our boundaries become sacred, which means that they cannot be broken under any circumstances. This means that what occurs around our boundaries, e.g., the consequences of our actions versus simply ignoring things altogether and not letting it bother us, need to be decided upon in places where everyone can see them. For example, only those people who exist within a relationship with you should be privy to information about your personal boundaries. This means that unless someone has committed the boundary violation, they do not have a need to know.
It can be helpful to assess what boundaries you may need to set for yourself. For example, if you spend a lot of time with friends who keep you up late and sleep in until noon a few days later, you are probably lacking in your boundaries of rest. You might be spending too much time on school work, which means you need to increase your physical activity and fun time with friends so that you can make sure you are getting enough physiologically restorative time outside of the classroom.
You may find that you need to re-evaluate your boundaries concerning how much you put into relationships. If you feel that you can't take care of yourself, it can be important for you to realize this and say so. It is also important to make sure you are receiving what you need. If one of your friends is not giving enough love or support, it is important for them to see this and be willing to make the changes needed in order for that relationship to continue. This will involve seeing the good things going on with others, instead of always focusing on the bad or ignoring the situation entirely.
By determining what isn't working in your life, you can make the necessary adjustments to create a healthier life for yourself. If you haven't set boundaries, it is easy for others to walk all over you. By communicating with people who are important to you and setting rules about what is acceptable behavior and unacceptable behavior, you can make sure that your time and energy are protected from those who wish to take advantage of them.
When we say no, this communicates that we have limits in our lives that we are not willing to go beyond. Physically saying no and sticking with our decisions is what allows us to protect ourselves from those who don't respect our personal boundaries or need more attention than they deserve. Once we become aware of how many of our interactions are full of energy vampires and empaths, it becomes easier to set boundaries that will help us get along with them.
In order for your boundaries to be effective, it is important for you to stay true to them. If you apologize for having a boundary, you will usually find that people will take advantage of you again. For example, if you tell another person "sorry that I didn't go out with you," expecting they will give you a break next time or buy you dinner to make up for it, they may become angry about the implication that they aren't worth your time unless they do something in return. You might also inadvertently give them the idea that they don't need to treat you with respect in the future.
It is important for you not to make promises that you aren't willing or able to keep. When we make promises, this makes us feel accountable and keeps those around us respectful of us and our boundaries. If you tell a friend that you will attend their birthday party the night before, it is important for them to see you wherever you end up going because it sends the message that your word is good and trustworthy. When we break our promises, people may take advantage of us because they can then convince themselves that our word isn't worth much.
It is also important to not let others manipulate our sense of what is right. For example, if someone tells you that you need to do something so bad for them, because they are so great and you have nothing to live for without them in your life, this manipulative behavior will eventually wear you down into doing it. If we feel responsible for someone else's happiness or feelings, we may lower our own boundaries or become very needy partners in a relationship. How much we give needs to be a reflection of how much energy we have left after living with the other person and whether we are getting what we want out of the relationship.
Boundaries can only work when they are both respected and protected from those who do not respect them. If you still feel as though you are in a relationship where your boundaries are not respected, it is important to protect those boundaries and communicate them clearly to those around you. They should also respect the fact that while we may ask them to accept our boundaries, that is their choice and if they choose not to, that is their choice. Be willing to walk away from a relationship if someone won't listen or respect your boundaries.
It is vital that we protect our energy reserves so that we have enough left over for ourselves and our life partner/s. If we give too much away to anyone else, it will leave us with less energy for ourselves and others around us.
Conclusion
Boundaries are an important part of our social lives, as well as our lives in general. Without them, we will be easily manipulated into situations that take away our sense of self and purpose. These relationships can also lead to physical problems and poor health due to the lack of energy being put back into ourselves. By setting boundaries and remaining true to them, it is possible for us to have healthy relationships with others without feeling drained by their needs and demands. It is only when we do things that work for us and not against us that we can move forward in life or create a sense of being at home within ourselves.
For more information about boundaries, contact www.drjeannecummins.